Nov 16- A Journal Entry

Sometimes I feel like giving up.

My motivation is dead. 

I feel tired and weary. 

I feel like I'll never succeed.

Today is on of those days. 

- Or Rather just how I feel right now in this present moment.

I feel like giving up on myself and the world.

I feel like dying.

Maybe I'll take drugs or watch porn.

Maybe I'll eat junk food till my brain feels warm with dopamine.

Maybe I'll scroll tiktok for hours.

Maybe I'll play videogames long into the night to escape my current emotions toward reality.

Maybe I'll cry. 

I feel alone.

Seeking God, but I Still feel like I'm waiting for him to pick up the phone.

But I know that's what the world wants. 

"Just give up"

"Just relax" 

"Sell you soul"

"Trying's too hard"

It seems to me that God preaches Discipline and demons preach laziness. 

Choices, Choices, Choices,

Escaping always leads to a dull outcome of depression.

Yet when stress comes it yearns for me to crave escapism.

Making me feel down, wanting me to take the easy way out,

all for what? To feel bad again and not have accomplished anything? 

I Look at my watch and think I must not waste my life, my short time here.

I rub my chin in ponderment, I grit my teeth, I squint my eyes, I furrow my brow, I run my hands through my head trying to understand. 

But I can't understand it all, I know that.

I can only know so much, So I must know what matters, and what will work. All else is vanity. 

But as I sit here, a ringing begins to grow louder in my ear, first in the right, then in the left,

Till it sounds like an airplane or a factory is all I can hear,

erm...erm...erm... .... ..... 

If you don't try your stuck in a prison.

But having this stream of thought feels like I'm trapped inside my mind.

They say arrogance is bliss, but bliss isn't what I'm living for.

I'm living for a purpose, otherwise I'd take drugs and always be at liquor stores. 

So I'd rather know too much. Pick your poison, life will always be pain. 

Ups and downs. Black and white, The Ying and yang, duality. 

You cant have sun without a little rain right?

Sometimes now I cant sleep at night, staring in the corner Thinking about my legacy or how I used to spend every night. Alone staring at a screen, depressed and I didn't want my life. 

It only all changed 2 years ago when I tried to die and saw what had become of my life. I pressed the gas and drove toward a tree, the weight of the world on me. until a stone dropped in my chest, my mind floods with pictures of family and who Im supposed to be. I slam the breaks and stop 15 feet before what would be the end of me.  

I jumped out and fell on my knees, I gotta find a reason, gotta be a better man, I gotta help my family and find God. I don't want to end it all now, I'll go crazy to leave a legacy, to fulfill my duty and honor to God and my bloodline, I cant give up on myself, I cant give up on my family, I have to help others and the world. I must become selfless, I must work harder than any other man. This Or I feel like death, this is the path God has laid out for me. 

And now I remember where I came from and no longer feel like escaping, I'm staying disciplined and the fire in my soul just grew bigger. 

I'm writing a new code:

END OF ENTRY.    PRESS ENTER